mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
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I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
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I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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