put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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