yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
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The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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