I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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