Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
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My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
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I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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