A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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