Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
me + whiskey = a bad person
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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