What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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