I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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