I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
50% drunk capacity currently
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize