i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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