Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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