Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
they need to just BURY HIM!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
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we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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