Betty ford says i'm here all night
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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