If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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