we're chasing vodka with high fives
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
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his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
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There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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