You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
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Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
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Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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