She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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