I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
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His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
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these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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