I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
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Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
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Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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