Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
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Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
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Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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