I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
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I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
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