she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
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If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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