i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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