Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
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What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
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You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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