I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
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I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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