If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
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It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
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Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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