But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
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and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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