My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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