is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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