I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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