You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
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Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
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Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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