I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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