M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
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By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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