So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
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I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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