If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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