When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
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I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
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No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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