Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Small penises have feelings too.
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When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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