If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
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She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
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St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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