Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You are a genius and a whore.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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