end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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