he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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