I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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