I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize