Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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