I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize