im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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