Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
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Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
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She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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