The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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