I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
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I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
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Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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